A Moment
by BeautyOfTheDark-KLM
Summary: He can see what no one else seems to, he gets glimpses of whats beneath the mask. Tony tries to work out what goes on in her head..
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: i do not own NCIS or its characters... sadly.**

**hey guys, my first story :) -Characters are based on Tony and Ziva but remain nameless, so let your imaginations take you where they may ;)**

**Enjoy..**

It was there for less than a second.

Nobody saw it. Except him.

That quick hint of emotion that flashed behind her eyes disappeared as quickly as it came. Once again hidden beneath the cool, calm expression.

No signs that it had even been there.

Except that he saw it. And in that brief second, he had seen the pain, the hurt, and the loss.

It worried him. It wasn't like her, she didn't slip up. She didn't show pain.

But something had changed. Ever since her return, something was different…

The spark was gone…

_Seeping,_

_Spreading,_

_Staining._

_She watched, mesmerised, as the dark pool stretched out over the cold floor._

_Couldn't take her eyes away._

_It slinked around the cold, lifeless fingers and soaked into the grey material of his shirt_

Something had happened while she was gone.

That much, he was sure of.

Something that had affected her so deeply that the pain of it had, for a moment, broken through that hard exterior she carried around her.

His eyes slid to her once again as she tapped away methodically at the keyboard, watched as she tried to pretend that those feelings hadn't happened. It was what she did. She didn't show emotion. Couldn't. To her, it was a sign of weakness. Proof that she couldn't handle her life, her past. So all those feelings; the sadness, the anger, the worry, they all stayed locked up tight inside her mind and only very rarely, in moments like he had just witnessed, was there any evidence that those feelings even existed.

Recently, those moments seemed to happen more and more regularly.

_A line of the dark liquid trailed from between his now blue lips._

_Her eyes followed its path as it ran down his cheek and dripped into the puddle, now threatening to reach her where she sat, staring at what lay in front of her._

_Death._

He couldn't do it anymore, couldn't watch her suffer in silence.

He stood up from his own desk, and walked across to where she sat at hers.

She looked up at him and he watched her hurriedly blink the moisture out of her eyes. She was too slow though, he had seen it. She could deny it as much as she wanted but those were tears, and they scared him.

She flinched away from the gentle hand he put on her shoulder. Unwilling, as always, to let anyone comfort her. Or even to admit she needed comforting.

"Come on," he said softly, "it's time to go home."

After a moment's hesitation, she picked up her bag and allowed him to lead her to the elevator.

_

* * *

_

_She wanted to scream, she couldn't find the voice._

_She wanted to cry, she couldn't find the tears._

_What she really wanted, was to kill._

**Opinions would be loveely, tips and ideas would be great. Remember im new to this so be nice ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Same as before, i do not own NCIS, etc, etc.**

**Short chapter, i know, but i thought it needed to go up :)**

By the time he pulled up outside her house the poker face was back, perfectly intact.

As she reached for the door handle he put a tentative hand to her arm, stopping her and she turned to face him.

Without skipping a beat, ignoring his worried expression, she responded in her typical fashion, no evidence of emotion in her voice.

"Thank you for driving me home. I'll see you tomorrow morning; remember we have to be at work by eight."

He had forgotten that in driving her home he had left his own car in the car park, he would have to take hers and pick her up in the morning.

Watching as she climbed out of the car he couldn't help but be a little happy about that fact.

It was so quiet he almost didn't hear it as he turned to drive away, "Really, thank you."

His eyes flicked to her face. There it was again, that tiny flash of vulnerability behind her eyes before the walls went back up and she turned and walked towards the house.

* * *

The first tear came as she slid the door shut behind her, and the rest as she lifted a shaking hand to wipe it away.

Grateful that she was finally alone, she let them fall, soaking her face and staining her shirt.

They were silent tears, there was no sobbing, no sound, as they rolled over her cheeks and dripped off her chin. It had been years since she last cried like this, she didn't cry anymore. Not since her brother.

Usually she could control herself pretty well, ignore the lump that formed in her throat every now and then, contain her emotions when the ache in her chest threatened to push her over the edge. But recently it had been harder, and today that ache was too strong. The pain of it filled her and she couldn't fight it anymore.

So she cried. She cried the tears that had been waiting just below the surface ever since she got back. The tears that had been building up inside her for so long.

The tears that had almost spilled out less than an hour ago, that he had almost witnessed

But that could never happen, she would never let it.

**Thoughts? opinions? let me know.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Once again, i do not own NCIS or its characters, only the laptop this story was written on.**

**Probably at least a week before next update, i'm a busy bee ;)**

**but don't worry, i now have 10 weeks of summer holidays and plan to dedicate a lot of it to you guys :)**

**thanks to all the amazing people who are reading this story and especially to those extra amazing people who reviewed, keep 'em coming.**

In the week that followed, he didn't witness anymore of those moments. It was like she had rebuilt the wall, only this time it was twice as strong.

There were no clouds of emotion swirling in her eyes, and no flashes of worry or sadness across her face.

It was almost as if things were back to normal, back to the way they had been before she left them, left him.

But he knew. He wasn't sure how, he just did. On the outside, she was still the same woman she had been before she left and yet somehow, inside, she wasn't. She had changed.

So he watched for signs. Signs that she needed help, signs that she was ready to admit this.

His eyes were constantly flicking over to her, checking on her. Sometimes he felt like she was aware of his gaze. Other times, she appeared to be somewhere else entirely.

It was in those times, he wondered what went on in her head.

_Her footsteps made hardly any sound on the concrete as she crept along the dark hallway._

_It had taken nearly everything she had to lift herself off the floor. _

_To tear her eyes away and to turn her back had taken what was left._

_She felt as though she was on auto-pilot, didn't know what she was doing or where she was going. She just knew she had to be moving._

_If she stopped to think, she knew exactly what image her mind would conjure up, and she couldn't let that happen, not now. So she concentrated on what she needed to do, what was important in that moment._

_Walking, and breathing._

Walking out of the elevator, he immediately looked towards her desk. Not seeing her, he scanned the room. She wasn't there.

It had been twelve days since he had driven her home that night and so far she hadn't mentioned it. Just pretended it hadn't happened, as she did with anything even remotely emotional.

_She's just running late for work _he told himself as he sat down at his desk and tried to busy himself with paperwork, all the while keeping one eye on the elevator.

Always watching, always waiting.

By lunchtime, he was officially worried. He had already called her seven times on her mobile alone and was just about ready to send out a search party.

Grabbing his stuff, he called out to McGee as he headed for the exit.

"Back soon, cover for me!"

"wha-"

But the doors had closed before he heard the reply.

**Read and Review pleeease, ill try and reply to everyone :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry, sorry, sorryyyy. i know, its been ages but some stuff came up. Forgive me? :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or its characters.. etc, etc.**

He made it to the parking lot before realising he had no idea where he was going.

The most logical thing to do would be to go to her apartment, but something told him she wasn't there.

He wasn't sure how he knew, but he did.

But if she wasn't at work, and she wasn't at home, he didn't know where else to look.

And maybe that's how he ended up driving where he did. It could have been luck, only it felt like something more. It was as if there was something pulling him towards her. At the time, he considered it cop's instinct. Later, he would realise there was more to it than that.

But it didn't matter how he got there, because when he pulled up in front of the park he saw her.

There were many scenarios that had been playing over in his head as he drove; many involved her in assassin mode, mostly out for revenge. Some involved the death of people around her, and a few even involved her crying. If he was honest, he wasn't quite sure what he had expected to find but it certainly wasn't to see her sitting calmly on a bench.

As he moved towards her he noticed something in her hands, her gun. She appeared to be weighing it in her hands but she wasn't focused on it. She wasn't really focused on anything.

She didn't acknowledge him as he approached, or as he sat down next to her.

Only after a few minutes of silence did she look up, eyes shining.

"I couldn't do it Tony."

He looked at her, questions all over his face, not sure what to make of this.

"Do what?"

She didn't reply and silence come over them once again.

At that moment he would have given anything to know what was going on through her mind but he couldn't ask for fear of disrupting the delicate balance that currently existed between them and scaring her off.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Ziva placing her gun down on the bench between them, removing the bullets as she did so. As Tony looked down at them it finally clicked. Those bullets hadn't been for revenge, or for the people around her. Their intended target was sitting right next to him, and she couldn't do it.

* * *

She could tell the moment he worked it out; she'd always been good at reading him like that.

He stiffened and his eyes came up to meet hers, which were still full of the tears she had not yet managed to force away.

She knew he was going to want to talk, and for once, she was ready.

**I wasn't sure about this one, let me know what you think.**

**also, its time for some talking, and i think these two have a lot to say. If you have any suggestions, do share :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, so I know it's been wayyyy too long but I just spent three and a half weeks at the beach and my mummy wouldnt let me take my laptop :'( ****I did, however, have plenty of time to write so hopefully i can get a few chapters edited and up a little faster to make up for it.**

**This chapter was supposed to be their discussion but Tony had so much going on in his head and I couldnt get that down as well as everything that has to be said between these two in one chapter, I didnt really want to have a super long chapter after the last few short ones so hopefully I'll get to that in the next one. Anyways, you guys have waited long enough, on with the story..**

When his eyes met hers, strangely enough his first thought was not of his sudden revelation but instead was the realisation that this was possibly the first time in the five years he had worked with her that she looked at him and hid nothing. There were no walls guarding her feelings and he was hit with the full depth of the emotion in her eyes.

His second thought was that he cared. Of course, as her partner he was expected to care, but this was different. He cared more than a partner, even more than a best friend, and he knew he would do anything and everything to make this look go away. It was as if it physically hurt him to see her this way.

These first two revelations were pushed to the side almost immediately as he finally came to the third: he had almost lost her.

As always in serious situations he was overcome with an urge to make light of the situation and, in typical DiNozzo fashion, relieve the tension with laughter and jokes. One look in her eyes however, sobered him up quickly and his brain went into cop mode.

Step one, evaluate the situation and eliminate the danger.

Moving slowly, not wanting to push her and bring back the walls that had kept him out for years, he reached down to where the gun sat on the bench between them. He picked it up and gently moved it from her reach, sliding it into the holster at his hip that usually held his own, all the while keeping his eyes trained on her. She didn't appear to want to stop him taking it, but he wasn't taking any chances.

As soon as the gun was safely away he saw her previously tense shoulders slump, either in defeat or relief, he couldn't be sure. Tony knew the next step was to find out what was going on in her head, but he wasn't sure where to begin. He didn't want to push her and while he wanted her to talk to him, he knew if he pressured Ziva into talking about her feelings she would only flee, and right now he knew that would be very bad for both of them.

Running over his game plan in his head, Tony took a deep breath and started the conversation that he knew she never would.

'How did you get here?' he asked, gesturing around the two of them so that she would understand he was not asking about her state of mind, merely how she had physically gotten there. When she was read to talk about the emotional side she would, until then he would try and piece together what he could. On the outside he appeared to be calm, thinking only about the question he had asked. On the inside however, his thoughts were raging and he kept coming back to the one thing that had been plaguing him since he had worked it out. _How had he let this happen? How had he missed it?_

**Before I go, I have a question for you guys. Would you be interested in seeing what the others back at NCIS are up to while this is going on? or should I just stick to telling Tony and Ziva's side of the story? It wouldn't be a case or anything but I was thinking Mcgee, or even Gibbs, would probably have some thoughts on where these two have disappeared to. Let me know :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Well this one wasn't originally in the plan but it was pointed out to me (very special thanks to **ChEmMiE**) that i probably should have explained where she has actually been this whole time so hopefully this clears things up a little :)**

He watched her carefully as she struggled to regain enough composure to answer his question. Not quite rebuilding the walls, but certainly laying a solid foundation. Eventually she succeeded, at least physically. She appeared calm but he knew that inside the emotions were still raging and when she finally answered, she was choosing her words carefully.

"This morning, I could not go to work. I knew I just could not face it today"

He wanted, so desperately, to ask her why. To find out what made today any different, but he knew they would get to that eventually so he held his tongue and let her talk.

"I stayed in my apartment for a while but I was going crazy there, I needed to get out. I also knew if anyone was to look for me that would be the first place they would go. So I left. I got in my car and I drove. I had no idea where I was going and I had no idea where I would end up but I drove anyway." She wasn't looking at him, she kept her eyes focused on something in the distance and her voice was steady as she recalled the events of the morning.

"So you came here?" he couldn't help himself, he was still confused as to how she ended up in this park.

"Well first I drove to your apartment. I do not know why, I just did I and when I thought about it I realised something. You were not there."

That just confused him more. Of course he wasn't there; he would have been at work. She knew that. She turned her gaze to him for a moment, as if to make sure he was still there, and she must have recognised his confused expression because she continued, trying to explain what she meant. This time speaking even more cautiously than before, if that was possible.

"Not that you were not there in your apartment, I knew that. I realised that you were not at the same place I was in my head. The place I wanted us to be as partners. More than partners I guess." She said the last part so quietly he wasn't sure he'd heard her right but before he had time to process what she had meant she had started talking again.

"That was when I decided I had to get as far away as possible from everything but everywhere I went reminded me of something I did not want to be reminded of and when I ended up at that warehouse, the place we solved our first case together, I realised there was only one place I could get away from everything." She looked over to him again and just for a moment, her eyes flicked down to where he had put the gun.

"But..." she trailed off, sighing.

"You couldn't do it." he finished for her. Not a question, but a statement.

"No Tony, No I could not."

"And you've been here ever since?"

"Yes, I have been sitting on this bench for an hour now. I am cold, I am starting to lose feelings in my legs, but mostly, I am confused."

"come on then" he said, standing up and putting his hand on her arm, "lets go."

**Thankyou everyone who as reviewed so far, they really help and keep me motivated :) keep them coming. x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Who knew the week before school goes back could be so busy? I really wish I didn't have to think about it until the morning it starts but apparently thats not an option.**

**Hopefully this chapter starts to explain things. I'm working towards wrapping things up so everything should start making sense in the next few chapters... I hope. Feel free to let me know if i'm failing miserably, OR if im not :)**

**Disclaimer: Hmm, how long until my birthday? Maybe I will get the rights to NCIS? until then, no such luck :/**

She didn't pay much attention as he led her to his car, nor could she concentrate as he drove her to his apartment. She was too busy trying to sort out what was going on in her own head. She had told him too much already and yet something was telling her she could trust him with the rest.

He had always been the one she had to be careful around. She had never had trouble hiding her feelings, at least not until she had come to NCIS. She had adjusted to keeping things hidden around McGee, Abby, and even Gibbs over the past years but for some reason Tony always knew what was going on. She told herself it was because he was her partner, they had to know each other, but she had never had the problem with any of her Mossad partners and many of them had known her since she was a little girl. She had been getting better at keeping things to herself, learning to cover them up with teasing and jokes when she was around him, but she knew he still got glimpses of what was in her head.

Their recent case had been particularly hard. It brought back memories she didn't want to remember, memories that made it that much harder to stop the emotions coming through on her face.

Her first kill, the one that had that plagued her dreams for so many years. That still continued to pop up in her nightmares whenever she let her guard down and thought about that night. Since they began working this case two weeks ago this seemed to be every day.

_Seeping,_

_Spreading,_

_Staining._

_She watched, mesmerised, as the dark pool stretched out over the cold floor._

_Couldn't take her eyes away._

_It slinked around the cold, lifeless fingers and soaked into the grey material of his shirt_

She remembered the way she had watched the life in the eyes of her childhood friend disappear. Her own doing.

She remembered the exact orders she had gotten from her father early in the morning, could still hear them in her head. "He has betrayed my trust, and this agency. Ziva, this is your turn, show me you can protect your country; end his deception."

And she had.

_A line of the dark liquid trailed from between his now blue lips._

_Her eyes followed its path as it ran down his cheek and dripped into the puddle, now threatening to reach her where she sat, staring at what lay in front of her._

_Death._

Their case had been so similar, the young man had been silenced; a single bullet to the back of his head. He had never even seen it coming.

But it was not just the way he was killed that was reminiscent of her own kill, it was something else. Something about the young man had brought back the feelings she had experienced that night, the same night she realised that having these feelings only got in the way, they portrayed weakness. That was the night she had locked them away, she was not weak. She would give nobody reason to think otherwise.

It was his eyes, only once had she ever seen eyes that dark. In the eyes of the person she had grown up with, the one she had shared childhood secrets with and 'married' under the big tree in her backyard. When they were too old for that, he had been the one she trained with, the only one who had ever come close to matching her skill and grace in battle. And then, he had been the one whose life she took. The one whose eyes, even in death, reminded her of who she was. A killer.

_She wanted to scream, she couldn't find the voice._

_She wanted to cry, she couldn't find the tears._

_What she really wanted, was to kill._

And she had.

After that first mission, after her feelings had been locked away for safe keeping, the killing had become easier. She had stopped questioning her father's motives and just followed orders, she did what she was told and she killed when she was told.

Until NCIS. Until him.

**Okay guys, here's a little poem i wrote in your honour:**

**There once was a girl who would write,  
She'd write though the day and the night.  
Sometimes she'd write without shoes,  
So please dearest readers press 'review'  
****;)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Once again, it's been a while and i'm sorry. I lost someone close to me last week and I just didn't feel up to writing or editing, or much at all to be honest. **

**But anyway, now that I've put a damper on everyone's mood, on with the story!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own NCIS or its characterrrs**

The ride home was silent, and for once he didn't feel the need to fill it with pointless jokes or quotes from movies she probably hadn't seen. For once, he let her think.

She was still lost in her own thoughts as the elevator took them up to his floor and he let them in to the apartment. He could tell the moment she came out of her head and realised where she was. Her eyes wandered around the apartment, seeming to take in everything and yet focus on nothing at the same time. Work had been busy lately so he hadn't had much time for tidying but the place wasn't too bad. As he watched her take in her surroundings he wondered, for about the hundredth time that day, what she was thinking. He knew the place probably wasn't what she expected. From the way he went on about his party habits and what his so-called 'childlike' behaviour, she had probably been waiting for some sort of extreme bachelor pad complete with stripper poles, but in all honesty it was pretty simple. Aside from a few pictures of the team on different occasions, and of course his massive movie collection, there was nothing out of the ordinary. The walls were white, the furniture was brown and the kitchen was, well, kitchen-ey

'Can I get you something to drink?' He knew there were more pressing matters to deal with but he couldn't help it. Despite what some may think, he had been raised right, even if it had been by twelve different nannies.

She shook her head and sat down at one of the stools behind his kitchen bench, watching as he moved around the kitchen, putting a glass of water in front of her anyway. There was something about his fluid movements as he wandered around the space he knew so well that was nice to watch, calming even. Until he stopped. As he leant on the counter opposite her, his forearms resting not far from where her hands were wrapped around the glass, all her worries from the past 20 minutes came flooding back. She knew she had to give him some sort of explanation but there were so many questions, conversations like this were unchartered water for her and there were so many things she didn't know. Did he want to know? Did she want to tell him? Could she get the words out? What would he think of her if she did? Would he see her as weak?

Before she had time to even acknowledge all the questions, let alone answer them, he slid one of his hands across the bench and covered hers with it.

'Tell me.'

One look at the sincerity in his eyes was enough to answer them all. Yes, he wanted to know, and yes, she wanted to tell him. She trusted him, and he knew she wasn't weak. So she did, she told him everything. First she told him about Anah and the similarities between the two cases, she told him about his eyes that haunted her, the ones she had seen reflected in their victim last week. Ironic that a boy with a name meaning 'answer' had been the cause of so many questions.

By the time she had finished that story the words were flowing. Somewhere between her father's orders and her first kill they had moved to the couch, her back against the arm of the chair and her right foot tucked under her left knee so she was turned to face him where he was mirroring her position at the other end of the couch, still listening intently. Then, sometime during her confessions of nightmares his hand had moved so it rested reassuringly on her knee. A little while after that she felt her words begin to slow and her eyelids begin to droop. She had told him so much and they hadn't even made it to the story of that morning.

_There's always tomorrow _she thought to herself as she drifted off to sleep and for the first time in many years, the eyes she dreamt of were not the frightening black ones of Anah Brezis, but rather the ones that had been focused on her for the past 3 hours. Reassuring and comforting as she opened up to him, as she finally let the walls crumble. The eyes she saw that night were the ever-changing bright green eyes of Tony DiNozzo.

**Well there you go, FINALLY some Tiva starting to appear ;) **

**good? bad? awfully amazing? okay even I dont know what that means. what i'm trying to say is pleaase review :)**

**Sorry guys, I had to fix this one up, thankyou **_Cyanide _**for pointing out that I mixed up Tony's eye colour in the last line there. In my head I was thinking green but my hands typed hazel, thanks a lot brain! what kind of a fan am I? haha hopefully it's all fixed now. Forgive me? :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**I have nothing of importance to say. Read on...**

**Disclaimer: Same as always**

He was not there when she woke up and for a moment she was filled with a heart-stopping fear. He was gone, she had opened up to him, gave him everything and he had left. Then she remembered this was Tony, her partner of five years. He trusted her, and despite everything inside her fighting it, she trusted him too. And besides, she was in his apartment; it was not as if he could move out in the space of a few hours.

And then her brain went click. She was in his apartment. She had SLEPT in his apartment. This was probably not good; she should not have slept in her partner's apartment. She knew that had been a bad idea and she was pretty sure it would come back to bite her, and yet she couldn't bring herself to worry and the more she thought about it, the less worried she was. It was not as if they had broken any rules.

Sitting up, wide awake now, she took in the quiet of the apartment. At some point during the night he had covered her with a blanket which now slid to the ground as she got up and moved to the kitchen where she found he had left something on the bench. Accompanying a stack of DVD's was a piece of paper, black ink covering the white with his boyish print.

_Gibbs called, gone in to fix up some paper work.  
Should be back in a few hours, __do not leave.  
__I will find you. __  
__Food in the cupboard, towels in the bathroom.  
I chose some DVD's you might like to pass the time, brush up on your English. Popcorn is the third shelf from the bottom, Please don't burn down the house ;)  
-T_

Looking at the pile of DVD's she hoped he had a lot of popcorn; there were at least 10 different movies there. She smiled at his attempted threat, he knew as well as she did that if she really wanted to hide no one could find her. Not McGee with his extraordinary computer skills, phone trackers and technological words, not Abby with her forensic stuff, fancy machines and sciencey words, not Gibbs or his gut, and not Tony. She had never had a problem with running. It was staying that had always been the problem.

* * *

Tony could not concentrate. Gibbs had called him in around 6:30 and with the threat of desk duty hanging over his head, he had forced himself to leave the house. It had not been easy and he did not like the number of scenarios that ran through his head when he thought of leaving her alone after what had happened yesterday. She had seemed alright last night and he felt a little reassured by the fact that she had finally opened up to him, she was ready to move on. He felt even more assured remembering the good half hour he had spent before he left scouring the place for anything she might use as a weapon and putting them somewhere she would never think to look. That included every credit card and every paperclip he owned. Then, finally, he had left the house. Persuaded only by the thought of what she would do to him if he told Gibbs the truth about why he wasn't coming in.

He had covered for her when he arrived, saying she had called him last night and asked him to explain that she was sick, that had earned him a raised eyebrow and a Gibbs-stare Tony knew he reserved especially for interrogation but after toughing it out for a full thirty seconds he had turned with one last sceptical look and disappeared into the elevator, leaving Tony relieved but wondering how long he had before questions started flying.

Since then he had been on edge, he had tried to call her 7 times in the past hour but every time he picked up the phone he seemed to be interrupted. McGee asking him something, Gibbs needing something done, Abby wanting to see him in the lab, and with every passing minute he grew more and more anxious. He could tell McGee wanted to ask what was going on but every time the probie opened his mouth to ask, Tony cut him off with a joke or a question and McGee, getting the message, would give him an I-know-something's-wrong, here-if-you-need-to-talk look before changing the subject.

Finally at lunchtime Gibbs turned to him.

'Go see her Tony, you being here like this isn't helping anybody.'

In the minute it took him to get his stuff and be in the elevator pressing the button for the parking lot, he had just enough time to be amazed at how well his boss knew him and wonder just how much else he knew.

After what could have been an eternity of driving he pulled into his parking space and headed upstairs. Turning the lock seemed to take longer than it ever had before but he eventually got the door open and stepped inside, closing it behind him without turning back.

The sight before him made his breath catch.

**Not one of my favourites, i'll admit, but I had to fill some time. So what do you think? did she stay? did she go? guess you'll have to wat and see..**

**Oh and guys, I got a lost halfway through replying so if I sent you two replies, well lucky you ;) if I sent you none, I'm super duper sorry and if you review again I promse to reply this time :)  
That is all. x**


	10. Chapter 10

**Yeah okay, so this one's a little fluffy and a lot cheesy but hey, I needed a little fluff, so sue me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I was kidding, please don't sue me. ;)**

He worked it out then. He knew why he had spent the whole day thinking about her, worrying about her. He knew why he had felt a need to be the one she talked to, why he wanted to be the one to hold her when her past became too much to handle by herself. And he knew why his heart had done the things it did when he had woken that morning to find her still sleeping peacefully on his couch.

Looking at her there, the same place she was now, he had, for a moment, seen what it would be like to wake up to her face in the morning. He had felt what it would feel like to cover her with a blanket when she fell asleep in front of him because they had been talking and lost track of time. He had heard what it would sound like to hear her breathing slow and to listen to those deep, even breaths as she slept. And now, looking at her in his living room, her hair damp and her eyes trained on his TV as she watched his movies and ate his popcorn, he wanted it.  
He wanted to wake up to that face every morning, he wanted to lose track of time with her and lie awake at night just her listen to her sleep, and he wanted it all to be his. To know his were the eyes she would fall asleep thinking about and to feel safe in the fact that his would be the arms she would take comfort in when things were too much. He wanted her to be his.

'Are you just going to stand there all night?'

Her voice snapped him out of his reverie. She hadn't turned her head but somehow he knew she could feel him staring at her, he assumed it was a ninja thing.

'Well that depends, are you going to get out of my seat?' he responded, teasing.

She looked at him then and he noticed something. She hadn't replaced the mask. She wasn't hiding anymore. He could see the hurt behind her eyes, he could see what years in Mossad had done to her and he could see what she felt, but he could also see something else. There was less darkness. Sure there was pain, and yes, there was suffering, but he had seen them all before. What he hadn't seen before was the light, the tiny glimmer of something that made all the bad stuff seem smaller. Something he could only describe as hope. And when she smiled a teasing smile back at him, that light grew and he felt like he was watching the petals on a flower open as the sun rose, or a baby open its eyes to the world for the first time and in that moment he felt it too. He felt hope.

She felt different as she watched him wait for her to reply; for once the smile on her face was completely genuine. Yeah he had made her smile before with their light-hearted banter but even then, even when she thought it was real, there had always been an underlying current, something telling her he was only this way around her because he did not know the truth, he did not know who she was, but she had opened up to him. Last night she had showed him who she was and yet here he was, standing a few feet away, teasing her as if she was the same Ziva he had always known. There was no pity, no horror, and no fear. And that made her smile. Really smile.

'You are going to have to fight me for it Tony'

He laughed, he couldn't help himself, the mischievous glint in her eye accompanied by the idea that anyone could take her in a fight was enough to make him chuckle.

'Well, I did do those three taekwondo lessons as a kid, I think I'd be in with a shot' he listened to her laugh softly before continuing, 'however, I think if it came to a fight we may be spending tonight in the emergency room, and I hear the surround systems there are nothing like the one I have here.'

20 minutes later he had showered and changed and the two of them were sitting on his couch waiting for the next movie to begin. He had let her choose and smiled when Audrey Hepburn lit up the screen, strolling down a Manhattan street, perfectly made up, pausing only to gaze into the window of Tiffany's jewellery store. It was a world so far from their own, he wasn't sure why she had chosen it but _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ was a classic and he wasn't complaining.

He felt her relax beside him and he couldn't stop himself looking over at her. Her elbow resting on the arm of the chair held her up and her feet were tucked up on the couch beside her, left hand resting gently on her leg. As he watched she relaxed just a little more into the couch and her lips parted to let out the smallest of sighs.

Turning his head back to the screen a small smile crept to his mouth and he was once again reminded of that afternoon's revelation.

Yep, he was sure. He loved her.

**Aww. How cute. haha you know I love your opinions, do share them :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sooo, I decided this one's going out to **_LoveIsAScar15_**, just coz your reviews and enthusiasm never fail to make me smile. Welcome back ;)**

**and everyone else, your reviews really do make my day so thankyou :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ziva (sigh), or Tony (I wish!), or any of NCIS and its characters (*cries*)**

For the second night in a row she slept without nightmares and for the second morning in a row, Ziva woke on a couch that was not hers.

She stood up carefully, so as not to wake Tony who was curled up down the other end in a position that would surely mean listening to him complain about his back for weeks.

She was going to have to face work today. It was the last thing she wanted to think about but she could hardly expect them to go on for a third day without her and with no explanation as to where she had been. However she was pretty sure she couldn't turn up in the same clothes she had been wearing since the other morning and she knew turning up with Tony was only going to raise a whole lot more questions than she could deal with so she was left with a dilemma. Her car was at her apartment where Tony had left it after picking it up from the park on his way home the day before so she was not left with many options. She was going to have to wake Tony up if she wanted to get home in time to get ready for work.

* * *

It almost hurt him to pull away from the curb in front of her apartment block after dropping her off, leaving her with the words 'see you at work.' He had meant them to sound confident and reassuring but somehow they had come out as something of a plea. As if he was begging her to be okay and to walk out of those elevator doors in a few hours bearing that genuine smile he had caught a glimpse of the night before and teasing him as she always had.

He shuddered as he thought of the last time he had dropped her off at her house, two weeks ago now. Right before things fell apart. It was funny how much could change in such a short amount of time. Before that day, Ziva had been invincible. She had been strong, impenetrable, unbroken. In his eyes at least.

He knew more now. He knew that everything he thought he knew about people from looking at them could be completely wrong. Yes, she was still Ziva, and she was still unbelievably strong, only not in the way he had first thought. She wasn't unbreakable, just the opposite actually, she was extremely fragile, scarred by the things she'd seen and done and yet somehow she held herself together. She put on a mask and came to work every morning, smiled, laughed and teased her way through the day before going home to her thoughts and memories, the ones that had finally pushed her to breaking point.

Last night she had finally answered the question that had been n the back of his mind for days. Sitting on the bench at the park she had said she couldn't face it _today_. He hadn't known what had made that day any different from the others but he had left it, not wanting to push her. Last night as they watched Holly finally kiss Paul, rain soaking them both and the screen had faded to black, she had turned to him and told him.

Tali's birthday. That's what had made it different to any other day. It had been Tali's birthday and all she wanted was to be able to hug her little sister and watch the smile as she tore at wrapping and blew out candles. But she couldn't do that. She never would again.

He wiped at the moisture in his eyes as he drove and cleared his throat. He had to focus on the positives if he was going to help her get through this day. She had spent years being strong for him, for the team, and now it was his turn.

He felt a pain in his back as he climbed out of the car and headed towards the NCIS building, he really had to stop falling asleep on the couch like that.

* * *

She turned to watch as he turned out of her street. She never thought it would be so hard to watch someone leave, especially someone she was going to see in a few hours. Ignoring the feeling in her stomach as his car disappeared around the corner, she looked away, took a deep breath, and headed into the building in front of her.

Once upstairs, she opened the door to her apartment and looked around. She had not been there in a few days and nothing had changed, everything was as she had left it. Only, after spending some time in Tony's apartment, it felt different. It didn't have the same warm feeling as his did, didn't feel lived in. She couldn't put her finger on it but it was as if something was missing.

After showering and changing, Ziva moved to the bathroom again to put on her makeup. As she did she felt the armour returning, each brush stroke was like a brick in the wall or another layer of the mask. She felt the calm take over as she slowly became work Ziva again, pushing all the emotions of the last few days down so that she could focus on the task at hand. Once that was done she grabbed her bag, gun, and keys, and headed to the door. Before closing it behind her, she turned back, to check the apartment one last time and for a moment the poker face slipped, if she was honest she knew exactly what was wrong with her apartment, it was lonely.

**Reviews would be lovely. like you. ^-^**


	12. Chapter 12

**I know it's been a little while, sorry about that. I had some trouble with this one, I needed a break but it's all good I was hit by inspiration last night (at quite an inconvienient time really, I was trying to sleep and my brain refused to shut up!) so here's the next chapter. If it helps I uploaded a little one shot while I was waiting for this one to come back to me? Anybody interested? I'd like to know what you think. Go. Look. Review. Okay you can read this first if you must :)  
A bit of a short one but I hope you like it. Thinking of wrapping this one up soon :) enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

It was torture waiting for her to arrive and he couldn't seem to drag his eyes away from the elevator for more than a few minutes. He knew he was on edge, jumping each time the elevator dinged, but if McGee noticed he didn't say anything. When she finally stepped through the doors, after what seemed like hours, he let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. As Ziva made her way to her desk and dropped her bag beside her, he searched her face but her eyes never met his and her expression was blank.

The next few hours were tense as Tony watched for any sign that she wasn't okay, but the mask was back, better than ever. She didn't falter as they drove to a crime scene, didn't slip as she sat at her desk filling out paperwork, never wavered as they stood watching Gibbs interrogate a suspect, there was nothing that would tip anybody off to the fact that she was hurting. At least not until they were alone.

Once he got her alone it was as if it just fell off, in 30 seconds her walls had crumbled and he watched her shoulders drop. He couldn't help but step forward and put his hands around her, endangering his limbs in the process. But she didn't go ninja on him, instead he felt her relax into him as though he was all that was standing between her and the ground and he wondered how long he could get away with this before she decided she had given away too much and pulled away.

As it turned out they stood there silence for about a minute before she carefully extracted herself from his arms and, recovering herself, turned to leave. Looking back only to give him a nod of thanks and a little smile- presumably meant to be reassuring- that just about broke his heart. It had only been a moment but it was enough to remind him that she wasn't okay, that she wasn't untouchable. But it was also enough for him to realise that she trusted him, enough to show him her feelings, her real feelings. In Ziva's world, that was everything.

* * *

Pulling away from his embrace was hard but Ziva knew they couldn't stand there forever. As she took a deep breath and walked away, she paused to thank him. Turning back to him, she couldn't seem to find the words so she just nodded and hoped he would understand. Then she summoned up a small smile to tell him she was okay and headed back to work.

It had been a long morning but she had kept busy, throwing herself into work and had somehow managed to hold herself together. It was actually a relief to be able to let go of the facade, even if was only for a moment. Never before had she opened herself up so fully and let someone in. She couldn't help but wonder if it would have been the same had it been McGee who had driven her home that night, or Abby who had found her in the park. Even now she knew the answer, no. She loved Abby, McGee, and even Gibbs, like family but there was something different about Tony. Something that made her want to let go and just be with him. She wanted him to know her and to know that he didn't care about her past or about the parts of her that were broken. She wasn't sure that could ever happen but that small moment of comfort had been enough to reassure her that he wasn't going anywhere and the feeling of his hand on hers as he walked past her to his desk, a brush small enough that nobody else noticed, was enough to make her think that maybe things were going to be okay.

When he sat down opposite her she smiled across the room, a smile that came a lot more easily than the one she had given him a moment ago, and his replying smile was enough to give her butterflies, a saying she had never really understood until now. When she finally looked down at her computer screen again, still smiling, she felt a little piece fall back into place. Maybe one day the puzzle in her head would finally become a picture.

**Sooo? what do you think? :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hmm, I don't really have much to say today. It's holidays, I like holidays.. and Easter, I like Easter too.  
well, thats about it.. ooh look! NCIS is on :D yayy.  
aaand, on with the story :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or it's characters :'(**

Ziva looked up from her computer to see Tony leaning across her desk looking at her, the building quiet. She had been so wrapped up in her work she hadn't noticed that everybody had left.

'I was thinking, maybe you should see someone.' She could tell he was trying to keep his voice light but his face was serious.

'I'm fine Tony.' She meant it to sound reassuring, but she only sounded tired and she could tell he noticed. As she turned to grab her stuff and pack her bag, he continued.

'Ziva, you don't have to deal with this on your own. It's okay to get some help, I'll come with you if you need.'

'I told you, I'm fine.' She couldn't keep the defeated tone from her voice as she stood up and rounded the desk. 'Just please, don't tell anyone.'

'Don't tell anyone what David?'

The familiar voice came from behind Tony's back and he moved away from her desk just in time to see the boss come round the corner into the squadroom, coffee in hand. He looked towards Ziva and could almost see the wall go up. He was pretty sure Gibbs wouldn't fall for it but if he noticed, he didn't let on.

'Well? Spit it out agent' He was staring Ziva down and Tony wasn't sure she could handle the pressure in her current state. He could already see the cracks forming.

'Ziva was just telling me about her, uhh, her conversation with the witness, boss.' Gibbs looked at him with raised eyebrows as Ziva slid her bag over her shoulder and headed to the elevator.

He was just beginning to feel uncomfortable when the elevator dinged and, once again, there were only two people in the room. Gibbs turned and moved to his desk, busying himself with collecting his things. As Tony headed towards the elevator his boss spoke again.

'Tony, she's not okay.'

He turned back to look at Gibbs, still moving swiftly around his desk.

'I know boss, I don't know what to do.'

'Get her help DiNozzo. She needs help.'

There was a moment of silence before Tony realised Gibbs was finished and turned for the final time, leaving his boss alone in the squadroom.  
Standing in the elevator, Tony was finally alone to think. Of course Gibbs knew, there was no keeping anything from Gibbs. He could read his agents like his own family, no amount of armour could hide their thoughts from the boss. But how long had he known? If he knew that, he must know about the recent turn his relationship with Ziva had taken. Tony wasn't sure what the new level of closeness in the relationship meant, but he wasn't sure it was something he wanted the boss to know about. Not yet.

But that wasn't his main concern at that moment. First he had to help her, or he had to convince her to help herself.

**So, has anybody else noticed Tony had reeally bad hair in these old episodes? Because he does. Just sayin' ;)  
ahh, who doesn't love lying on the couch watching old reruns of your favourite shows because it's holidays and you have nothing better to do? :D**


	14. Chapter 14

**h-h-h-heyy everyone (:  
So i've decided after three days of school i'm ready for holidays again. Really, any time now would be wonderful. :P  
Oh and i wanted to take this opportunity to thank all my lovely readers and reviewers and everybody who has favourited or alerted so far. I realised i dont to that enough, so thankyou. Every review makes my day, and to know you are interested in my story is an amazing feeling.  
Oh, and sorry to ramble on but just a quick shout out to **_mentalagent13_**, I couldnt reply to your review but thankyou so much for reviewing, im glad you felt that way about that chapter, it was one of my favourites.  
Okay, enough talking, really.**

**Disclaimer: NCIS isn't mine, Tony's not Mine, Ziva's not mine, McGee, Gibbs, not mine, you get the idea.**

_She needs help._

His boss' words played over in his head. They hadn't been news to him, he knew she needed help, it was getting her to see that which was the problem. He was running out of ideas.

There was no way she was going to see a shrink, NCIS employed or otherwise. He could try and trick her into it, not tell her where they were going? Make up some scheme to get her into the office? Perhaps a witness needed to be questioned, one that just happened to have the title Doctor.

'Ha!' he let out a short, humourless laugh, _yeah right DiNozzo, trick a Mossad-trained ninja assassin, _he thought to himself sarcastically. Like that was going to happen. And besides, she always seemed to know when he was lying anyway, there was something in her eyes that saw right through him.

He just didn't know what else he could do, short of gong to shrink-school himself. Tony rolled his eyes at the thought of him going to work every day to sit on a couch and discuss feelings. It was bad enough having to do the compulsory psych evaluation every year.

Click.  
A flick switched in Tony's brain. He knew what he had to do. She couldn't say no if she thought it was a job requirement.

She would hate him if she found out but wasn't it worth it? Wasn't it worth the risk to have Ziva whole again? Huh, why was he even asking himself that, of course it was.

Ziva felt a little crease form in her forehead. She had been watching Tony for the past 20 minutes and was still no closer to working out what was going on with him. He was sitting at his desk, apparently staring into space, with a thoughtful expression on his face.

A little while ago he had laughed. Not a real laugh, but one of those short, 'yeah right' laughs that people sometimes let out when they thought an something was so ridiculous it was borderline stupid. That was what had broken her out of her focused headspace and drawn her attention to him. She had tried to get back to work, but somehow paperwork and old case files just weren't as interesting anymore. So instead she watched him. Watched as he obviously worked through some problem or dilemma in his head, his expression changing every few minutes, rolling through a selection of confused, frustrated, resigned, before finally, about 6 minutes ago, settling on just plain thoughtful.

She was tempted to ask him what was going on but she was pretty sure he wouldn't tell her. Not here, not with McGee sitting only a few feet away and the possibility of Gibbs coming 'round the corner at any moment, it would have to wait. So instead she resorted to their usual routine, teasing and joking, in the hope that she could ease some of the tension visible in his shoulders.

'You know Tony, if you are having trouble in your head, you could always count on your fingers.'

She smiled at him when he looked up, pretending not to notice his slight jump at the sound of his name. She was having less trouble with the smiles these days. She found that the more she practiced the easier it was to pull up a grin when she needed one. She only wished she could put more feeling into them. Ziva knew a rehearsed smile when she saw one, she could only hope the others had less experience in the matter. If Tony saw through it he didn't say anything, instead covering up the troubled expression that had plagued his features only seconds earlier and answering her with a playful smile of his own.

'Actually Ziva, I was just considering giving you the privilege of finishing off this report for me, but just for that I'm going to do it myself.'

The smile that rose to her lips this time was genuine, she couldn't help it, his mock seriousness was enough to make her laugh for real.

'Oh, how ever will I survive?' she quipped dramatically. With an exaggerated eye role she turned back to her work, content that Tony would be fine, at least until she got the chance to ask him in private. She couldn't hide the smile that crept onto her face as she felt his eyes on her.

Click.  
Another piece fell into place.

**So i was thinking about it, and i know Ziva seems a little mood swing-y right now but she's confused, and trying to put the pieces back together, this is just how i figured this situation would go. Her trying to cover it up, sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding. Just thought i'd give you some idea of where i was going, dont want anybody getting confused now do we? :)  
If you have any thoughts or ideas, opinions, or want to say anything at all really, just review. the button's right there. see it? click it. :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**Well hello everyone (: another chapter although im not sure about it, I feel like there was a bit much dialogue.. I hate reading stories like that. But this one was necessary in moving story forward, I felt like they needed a push. So you guys will have to let me know what you think.**

**It's a little short but it needed to end where it does to lead in to the next one which I'm pretty excited about. So let me know what you think and we can move on to the good stuff (;**

**Disclaimer: Well, the same as always. I own nothing.**

"David!"

She was snapped out of her thoughts by someone calling her name. Ziva looked up to see the director on the stairs above them.

"My office David, now."

Getting up from her chair she could feel McGee's eyes on her, she could also feel Tony's eyes deliberately averted. She knew him so well she could picture his face, pretending to be focused on the screen in front of him. She could imagine his inquisitive expression each time he tried to subtly sneak a glance at her as she made her way up the stairs. She knew he was curious as hell, but then, so was she.

She walked in to find that Vance had returned to his seat behind his desk and was sitting patiently with his hands on the table, fingers linked together. Adjusting his position he motioned for her to take the seat in front of him and he took it warily, feeling like a criminal waiting to hear her sentence. He didn't appear to be angry or upset, in fact, just the opposite, he looked... caring. That was the only way she could describe it but despite the softness of his features, she couldn't shake the feeling that he had something to say, something she wasn't going to like. The director leaned forwards, his hands once again folded on the table.

"How are you holding up, agent?"

She tried to read his face, wanted to work out where this was going but he wasn't giving much away so she resorted to her default response.

"I am fine."

She noticed a slight crease in his brow at her words but it disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared.

"Are you sure agent David?" his voice was still gentle but she could hear the firmness behind it. "I hear you aren't doing so well. It seems some events of the past few weeks have-" he hesitated, she could see him searching for words "have shaken you."

This time it was her turn to frown, Ziva however was a lot better at hiding it, feeling her face twist into an expression of discomfort she quickly smoothed the lines, recovering that perfectly blank mask.

"Where exactly did you hear that?" She asked, growing increasingly annoyed.

"I have my sources agent, so would you care to try again? How are you, really?" This time she could tell he was getting frustrated with her and she knew she would probably be out of here quicker if she just told the man she was feeling a little confused but was working on it. But Ziva David wasn't one to show weakness, and she wasn't one to admit defeat so she held her stance.

"I told you, I am fine."

Director Vance slumped back in his chair, obviously unwilling to pursue the matter.

"Alright David, if you insist. However, you should know it is compulsory for agents who have been-" she could see him once again struggling for words. "Who have been in your situation, to speak to our-"

"I am fine." She cut him off, her temper flaring but still just managing to maintain control. "I do not need to speak to you, I do not need to speak to Gibbs or Tony or McGee, I do not need to speak to Ducky or Palmer, and I most CERTAINLY do not need to see a shrink."

"It isn't up to you David. Your appointment is first thing Monday, have a good weekend."

Ziva stood up, her teeth clenched, and turned to the door. How could he know? He couldn't know, the only person who knew was Tony and that hadn't been her choice. She knew she had been a little less careful about guarding her emotions these past few weeks but Vance wasn't that observant, he couldn't read her the way certain other members of the team could. Fuming and struggling to keep her composure she left his office without looking back and descended the stairs into the now empty squadroom.

**So yeah, thanks for reading, reviews are always nice, aaand that's all I have to say (:**


	16. Chapter 16

**heyyyyy guys! so, I should really be studying for exams which are.. well.. two days away. but this is just so much more interesting :P Do you think my teachers will take the 'i was writing fanfiction' excuse? oh who am i kidding, that's the oldest one in the book, no one's falling for that.**

**Disclaimer: Has anybody seen Tony or Ziva? They seem to have excaped from my basement. No? hm, well until I find them I guess I own nothing :(**

Tony rubbed his eyes as he made his way across the soft carpet of his living room, grabbing his gun from the table as he passed. He was pretty sure he knew who it was knocking on his door at 1am, there weren't many people it _could_ be. But if many years working with Gibbs had taught him anything, it was that taking these things for granted never ended well. _Better safe than sorry_, he thought to himself, smiling at the cliché.

He braced himself against the cold wind as he opened the door to see her dark figure standing in front of him. The shadows hid her face but, if her fierce stance was anything to go by, Ziva obviously wasn't here for a late night snack. A moment of panic hit Tony as he jumped to the obvious conclusion, she knew he had gone to Vance.  
Suddenly wide awake, he stepped to the side and she swept past him with such determination that he was reminded of the old Ziva. He could almost see the confident woman that had sashayed into the squadroom on that first day, so sure of herself. Back then he had been sure nothing could penetrate the armour, he knew better now.

"Why, Tony?"

Her voice was harsh but he could hear the hurt behind it. Lately she had been a lot less adept at hiding her emotions and when she was worked up like this, she was an open book.

"Look Ziva," he began, closing the door and taking a careful step towards her. She held her ground. "I know you're strong, heck you're one of the strongest people I know, but you shouldn't have to handle this, at least not alone." He took another step.

"I told you, I'm fine. There's nothing to handle!"

He could still hear the frustration in her words, but his eyes were trained to pick up the slightest of movements and he could see the fight leaving her tense body. The next time she spoke it was quiet, so quiet he wasn't even sure the words were aimed at him.

"One _moment_ of weakness does not mean I am mentally unstable." She looked at the ground, "I don't need to be shrunk."

If it had been any other time, Tony would have laughed at her reference to visiting as shrink as being 'shrunk'. But it wasn't another time and his face was serious as took two more steps, closing the distance between them. Ziva moved to step back at his approach but he put his hand to her upper arm and the touch, although light, seemed to hold her in place. Needing to catch her eye he put his index finger to her chin, lifting her face to meet his, all the while subconsciously wondering who this person was. This Ziva that not only allowed herself to be in such close proximity to a person, but allowed him to touch her arm, her face, and before he knew it she was in his arms. The side of her face was pressed against the thin t-shirt he had fallen asleep in and his chin rested on the top of her head. As much as he wanted the old Ziva back, he wasn't sure he ever wanted to lose the feeling of her body, soft against his own. He pulled back, hands on her arms, so that his eyes once again connected with her own.

"No Ziva, you probably don't. But don't you think it would help to have someone to talk to?"

She nodded once, and her eyes told him it wasn't so much in agreement as resignation. He nodded faintly in return and gathered her back into his arms, breathing in the scent of Ziva.

**Collective 'aww'. such cute-ness :) Sooo? Good? Bad? Happy? sad? Thoughts, opinions, questions, tips, the location of my missing Tony and Ziva. All are welcome. I can't wait to hear them. **


	17. Chapter 17

**So this one's a little different, we get a little bit from Gibbs' POV and I have to say, I really enjoyed writing it (:  
thankyou to all my amazing readers and reviewers, you guys make my day.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own it. **

Ziva leaned against the basin and looked at her reflection in the mirror of the NCIS bathrooms, taking in the tired eyes and the defeated sag of her shoulders. She had long since given up straightening her hair in the mornings and it was currently tied back in a quick ponytail that reminded her of the way she had worn it back in her first years at NCIS. The only difference was that back then the wild curls had been who she was, they showed her strength. Now all the unruly mess did was make her look tired and small.

Her visit to the shrink had been, as expected, an ultimately pointless exercise. There was no way she was giving anything away to the stranger so instead of pouring her heart out to the woman or shutting her out and refusing to say a word, she had told her exactly what she wanted to hear.

It hadn't been difficult, the woman had no idea of the true depths of Ziva's ability to hide her feelings. Even in her current state she could keep her emotions hidden from strangers. All it took was a few well placed answers and some perfectly cued tears. Yes it's the stress of the job, yes I get overwhelmed by all the death, of course I regret what I did, uh huh I have been seeking support.  
It had taken great control not to laugh when the woman had, with great care, asked her whether she had ever had to kill someone on the job. _If only you knew _she had thought to herself as she sniffled and answered the woman quietly, "Yes, but not for a while now. I think it all just caught up with me." The shrink had thought nothing of it, nodding and scribbling some notes on her clipboard.

Coming back to the present Ziva sighed outwardly. Tony wouldn't be happy, she knew he had gone to Vance, knew it was him lobbying for her to see someone. He thought she wasn't handling things and in all honesty, she couldn't blame him. A few nights ago she had turned up at his house and woken him, fully intending to yell at him for turning her in. Somehow though, despite the anger that had grown in her in the hours before, she hadn't been able to hold onto that frustration and had ended up falling into his arms and agreeing to see a shrink.

The Ziva in the mirror was frowning now, obviously annoyed at her for being so weak. For falling apart in front of the man who already saw her as the woman who couldn't handle a little pressure, who needed counselling when times got a little tough. But that wouldn't happen anymore, it couldn't. She straightened up and looked mirror-Ziva in the eye, her resolve strengthening. It was time to forget the events of the last few weeks, they weren't her, they had been the acts of someone weak, someone she didn't want to be. Exhaling deeply she took one last look at the woman in the mirror, the one with a new determination in her eyes. She wasn't going to be this new Ziva anymore, she was going to go back. Back to who she had been before.

She turned and walked to the door.

* * *

"Enough DiNozzo!" Agent Gibbs said from his desk, authoritative voice echoing in the quiet of the squadroom.

Tony had been fidgeting at his desk for the past hour, clicking pens and tapping fingers. If this didn't end soon Gibbs knew it wouldn't just be him wanted to put that pen through Tony's hand. McGee had also been growing increasingly frustrated by the agent's inability to be still for any period of time. It had begun when Ziva had risen from her own seat and excused herself to go and run some 'case-related errands' and they hadn't had a moment of silence since.

Gibbs had known she was lying but he hadn't pulled her up on it. He knew what had been going on over the past weeks, he always kept a close eye on his agents and there was little he didn't notice. So far he hadn't felt the need to step in but that didn't mean he wasn't always watching. The thing about Ziva was that she had trouble accepting that she couldn't handle something. She would push herself until it almost became too much but when she finally admitted she needed help, he knew she would come to him. Until then, Tony seemed to be handling the situation. In fact, he was proud of his agent for stepping up and being the one to notice the change in his partner. Sometimes it wasn't easy to tell with Ziva.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the frustrating realisation that the clicking had started up again and looked up just in time to see Ziva striding into the room and taking a seat at her desk.

"You know Tony, if you keep that up I think McGee's head may explode and I certainly will not be the one cleaning brains off the walls."

There was something off about her teasing tone but it was so slight that Gibbs wouldn't even have noticed if he hadn't known. He smiled at Tony's stunned expression and leaned back in his seat to enjoy the silence, he knew it would only last a moment.

**phew. what do you think?  
I know, I know, It feels a little like one step forwards, two steps back but I promise it's going somewhere! I guess you'll just have to trust me :P  
After this it's all going to fall together, or apart, I guess it depends on how you look at it. and then it's aaall about the Tiva. (;  
so yeah, reviews? please and thankyouu :D**


	18. Chapter 18

**sorry sorry sorrryyyyy. I know there's no excuse but i'm going to give you mine anyway. it's been a crazy few weeks not to mention i have a touch of the first-week-of-school-blues, and now i'm sick, so this is coming to you live from my bed.**

**So i have a question for all you book nerds out there, i've decided to do Stephen King as my author in english this semester but amazingly enough, in all my years as a total book worm i have never actually read any of his stuff. Any ideas or thoughts on good books i should read would be lovely (:**

**Disclaimer: Still wishing they were mine.**

Tony was confused. It had been a week since Ziva's appointment and something was different. He knew she wasn't better, he could still see the hurt, but that had always been there. It was as if she had pushed away the events of the past few weeks and rebuilt the walls, twice as strong as before. He had tried to talk to her in the parking lot that afternoon but she had blown him off, breezing through his tentative questions with short, confident answers of "it was fine Tony" and "I'm fine." For the past week he had been trying to catch her alone, hoping that she would show him a little of what was going on in her head, but she always seemed to be caught up in the case or some other handy excuse that got her out of being alone with him. He had even driven to her house one night, only to find that she had driven back to work because she had thought of something that might help them catch the latest killer.

He leaned back on his chair, running a hand through his messy hair. To his right Ziva was perched on McGee's desk, engrossed in animated conversation, most likely about Tim's most recent girlfriend who they had never seen although, according to their cyber-savvy team member, somehow seemed to out geek even McGee himself. _Oh most definitely imaginary, _Tony thought to himself as he watched Ziva's perfectly straight hair slide around her back while she talked. It had been a long time since he taken in her looks, tending to concentrate more on what had been going on in her head, but this week he had seen her armour go up not only mentally, but physically as well. Her hair always in place and her make-up immaculate, if it hadn't been for the telltale bags under her eyes, or the way her shoulders slumped slightly more than they used to, he would never have known something was off.

He watched her stand and move quickly to her own desk as Gibbs swept into the room, and was broken from his thoughts, startled by the loud thump of case files being dumped onto his desk.

She could tell Tony was getting frustrated. Ever since her decision a week ago, she had been trying to get things back to the way they should be, but he was not making that easy. Preferring to corner her every chance he got, attempting to pull emotions from her the way a dentist would pull a tooth. It was hard not to let go, she wanted to tell him but she could not risk him seeing her as weak, she couldn't let him see that side of her. She had shown too much already. Ziva knew it was probably better for her to share her feelings, the same way the tooth needed to come out, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt when it did and she was afraid the pain would be too much for her. She wouldn't let him see her fall apart. Not again.

She didn't notice Tony mimicking her actions as she picked up her bag, throwing it over her shoulder and rounding her desk to the elevator. She didn't look over her shoulder to call goodnight, knowing her and Tony were the only ones left in the building, so she didn't see him packing up his things and following her to the elevator.

She covered it well, but he noticed her startle when he put a gentle hand on her shoulder. After entering the elevator, rather than turning to the doors, she had leant her forehead against the back wall a stance that even from behind Tony could recognise as exhaustion. Ziva straightened visibly as she turned to him, "Tony, I'm fi-"  
He cut off her automatic response to his careful touch. There was no way he was listening to I'm fine anymore, by now he was sure it was more of a reflex than an actual feeling.

"You aren't fine." He said it simply and seriously, like a mother telling her child that power sockets weren't for playing with. Not a question, but a statement; he wasn't going to let her avoid it anymore. "Ziva, you can pretend all you like but you didn't even notice me behind you until I touched you. That isn't the old Ziva. No matter how hard you try to be her, you aren't. Not now, maybe not ever, but you aren't going to get any closer by ignoring what is happening."

Looking at her tired face he could see pieces of hair falling into her face and her eye make-up was slightly smudged where she had rubbed a weary hand over them at some point during the afternoon. But more than that, there was something in her eyes, a look of complete resignation he had never seen before and her walls, before made of brick, were now fragile as a house of cards, ready to crumble at the touch of a feather. The higher the house grew the more unstable it became and now, each small step she talk towards him in the tiny space was another card on the already teetering castle.  
Then he took a leap of faith and hoped that his arms around her would be the breath that brought the whole thing down. It was time for her to breathe again, and she couldn't if she was worried that her exhale would bring down the walls.

**So, what do we all thinkkkk? want to let me know? okay thanks.  
and also, sorry for any grammatical errors or spelling, or really just any bad writing. i feel fairly crap and my head's a little messed up but i felt i really needed to get something up. i can't wait to hear what you think :) **


	19. Chapter 19

**So, right now, I hate school.. and life.. for keeping this from you guys. I also hate dodgy internet.. and well, everything that has made you wait so long. for those of you who haven't given up on me and are still hanging out for this chapter, I pretty much love you. So yeah, thanks for being amazing and patient and not hunting me down and killing me, I appreciate it. **

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. **

For the first time in a very long time, Ziva felt safe. Exhaling heavily, her eyes closed and she relaxed into his arms. Something inside her was screaming to pull away now, that if she let this happen there would be no going back, but the feeling of his hands on her back held her where she was. His warm breath on the top of her head felt like rain, washing away her doubts. As each exhale fell over her hair, it calmed her and she felt her own breaths fall in time with his.

There had been a time when Tony would have given everything to be standing where he was now, but for very different reasons. As they stood in the elevator taking them to her apartment, he could feel the warmth of her through his shirt where her shoulder was against his own and he couldn't help but think of the times he had imagined himself in this exact situation, only in those imaginings neither of them had much in mind other than getting to the privacy of her apartment. Now she didn't seem to be in much hurry to get anywhere.

It didn't escape his notice when she shifted slightly and he felt the pressure against his shoulder increase as she leant into him. He didn't know whether it was intentional or just a coincidence but since he had put his arms around her half an hour ago at the office, Ziva hadn't seemed to be able to break the contact. It was as though she was seeking something that she could only gain from touching him. When they had finally stepped out of the elevator at work she had rested her hand on his shoulder, when he had turned her to face him as they walked to her car her fingers had brushed his forearm, and as he had driven her home her hand had subconsciously gone to his thigh. Now he slipped his arm around her lower back and she did nothing to suggest she was uncomfortable like he expected. Instead she just leaned further into his touch until he was pretty sure he was supporting most of her weight.

The mask was definitely gone now and he was hit with the full extent of the pain in her eyes. Not able to deal with that just yet, he was grateful when the elevator dinged, indicating they had reached her floor, and he led her to her front door.

Her apartment looked the same as it always had, everything in the same place it had been last time he had been in there, and yet something seemed different. There was something eerie about the silence of the room. It reminded Tony of the many open houses he had been to before he found his place, everything was in its place but it lacked the feeling of a home. As if people were afraid to disturb things so they tiptoed around, worried something would break. Only in Ziva's case he didn't think it was because she wanted to keep it neat, but that she hadn't been living there, not really. He doubted she had sat down to a movie in the living room, or pottered around the kitchen in a very long time.

Now he led her to the soft, undisturbed couch and sat next to her. He could see her looking at him with cloudy eyes that he couldn't read, she didn't appear to be about to speak so he took a breath and went for it.

"Ziva, this needs to stop" The undistinguishable look in her eyes cleared up and was replaced by one of confusion.

"You can't keep pretending everything's okay. You know it's not, but more than that, _we_ know it's not and it's hurting everybody to see you like this."

He had decided on a new approach this time. If she wasn't going to let go for herself, he knew she would do it for her family.

"This isn't just about you anymore, how do you think McGee feels when he can see something's wrong but he doesn't know what? Or Abby? Ziva, what about me? It kills me to watch you pretend"

He could see her thinking about what he was saying, she had never thought about it before. She was so busy trying to hold in her pain, she had forgotten about the people she was keeping out. He had more to say but he could see she needed to talk, so he held it back and waited.

"Tony I-" he could see her struggling for words before she turned her eyes on him and he saw an almost pleading look on her face. It shocked him for a moment. Of all the things he had expected to see in his life, a pleading Ziva David was not one of them. "Will you help me?"

The words were quiet but they were all he needed to hear. As her voice broke over the question he pulled her into his arms for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. Feeling her cry quietly against his shoulder he breathed out. Things were going to be okay, Ziva was going to be okay.

**So yeah, Tony to the rescue :) It's not a long one but let me know what you think. Or if you have any ideas of course :) **


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